1) It turns out if you touch the element in the oven, even for a second, it burns your skin right the heck off. See? I’m here to test this stuff out for you so you don’t have to do stupid stuff like accidentally touch the element in the oven and burn your skin right off. That is one public service I provide, no charge. Well, that and wearing underwear to the park. You are very welcome!
2) There are people who make a living being Happiness Consultants. I am not referring to prostitutes or massage ladies. I am not sure exactly what is involved with helping others be happy, but the one I am aware of just happens to be a THIRD generation Happiness Consultant. Yes, it could really only be considered an occupation in Southern California. The fact that this “profession” even exists just makes me shake my head in disbelief.
3) If you live in Southern California your house will become overrun with ants. And the worst part, you won’t be able to stop it or figure out where they are coming from. They just appear. Seemingly out of nowhere in large number. They do not go after food. They just wheel around, being ants, annoying me and making me itchy and agitated. In other words, the ants are back. They are swarming in the cupboard where keep plates. So, no there is no food there. They are just being assholes and making me act even more sketchy than I normally do.
4) Marriage is a fragile business. People split up. I have been feeling recently that marriages are constantly under siege and are breaking up everywhere I turn. I am not just talking about celebrity marriages (Heidi, Seal…why, why? All those babies? You couldn’t have tried a little harder? Done ONE LESS reality show? Really?). What makes any marriage work is an absolute mystery. I guess what makes them fail is a mystery as well. Still, it makes me wonder if people just give up too easily. To paraphrase Skipper from Penguins of Madagascar, “It isn’t all a bunny riding a unicorn under a rainbow!”
5) I may have developed an addiction to British accents and BBC shows. They are just so damn good. If you want to see what I mean, check out Sherlock, Gavin and Stacey, Luther, or Downton Abbey. I am pretty sure they are all available on iTunes. Or if you are feeling a bit more xenophobic, go for Justified. Mr. Smith is the tiniest bit jealous of Timothy Olyphant (who, by the way, should never be in a shirt…I’m just saying…yeah, same thing with Daniel Craig…oooh and Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights…shirts off at all times gentlemen!)
6) One day, Grand Master H said this to me, “THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, I WANT TO RIP MY UNDERWEAR!” I don’t think I have ever been quite that angry, and I can’t remember what I said that ticked him off so much, but I can see how one could get that angry. Either way, it was so hilarious I wrote it in my journal. I just failed to write the rest of the conversation.
7) This is Mr. Bob. The children forced Mr. Smith to draw him. As he was drawing, Grand Master H told him, “Oooooooh, I hate your style!” Mr. Bob looks remarkably like Ziggy to me.