I have not been writing about the Lack of Sleep Report lately. Not because we have been sleeping!
No, no, no, no…we have two children. Sleep is not an option.
I have not been writing about it because it is boring and ridiculous. We are zombies.
I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night. You know, go to bed, fall asleep and wake up in the morning? I have heard about people that do. I don’t know any.
The other night I sort of half woke up around 12:45 and our door was wide open. I had no idea how this happened. So I got up and closed it.
About an hour later, Grand Master H wakes me from a deep sleep by whipping our door wide open, marching back to his own room and slamming his door.
I went in, comforted the savage beast and stumbled back to our bed and collapsed.
At 3:45, same shit. Whip open our door, go back to his room and slam the stupid door. I go in his room, put him back to bed and fall into the single bed in his room.
At 4:10, I wake up to the little monster in bed next to me, talking at full volume about heaven knows what.
I beg him to return to his bed and he does, but then proceeds to bust out the Legos.
Finally at about 6:30, I wake up. The door is wide open, H is gone, and I am completely confused.
Hello? Yeah, I am so ready for the day! Tons of sleep, let’s go!
So, for the last few weeks, Grand Master H has been begging me for a skeleton.
I know, not age appropriate. We don’t choose our freaky children. They choose us.
So the other night I found a plastic skeleton (glow-in-the-dark) on the clearance shelf at CVS.
I finally gave it to him yesterday.
He named it Boy.
They are inseparable.
He decided to put his Spiderman costume on Boy. For obvious reasons, it did not fit.
He insisted (and believe me, I tried to talk him out of it) that Boy sleep with him. You know, as much as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton might sleep. Seems to me that the bulk of their work would be done at night, seeing as how they are skeletons and all and it IS Halloween, after all.
Here is how the whole thing went down.
2:55 am – Grand Master H comes into our room carrying Boy. I gently escort them back to H’s bed. Once we are in H’s room, he explains to me that the reason he came and got me. It seems that Boy’s right foot has become detached.
2:56 am – I re-attach Boy’s foot. I put H back in his bed, but put Boy on the floor. H is back to sleep before I leave the room.
3:45 am – Famous Baby C calls me from her bed.
3:45 am – I ignore her. It took me more than 30 minutes to fall back to sleep after having to re-attach the plastic skeleton’s damn foot. There is no frickin’ way I am getting up with her before 4 am.
4:50 am – I hear the following, “Mommy? Dada? Somebody come get me! Please, somebody please get me outta here!”
4:50 am – I give up and go in and get her, the little ingrate.
So here we are, watching Max and Ruby, reading Boynton board books, waiting for the coffee, wonderful, wonderful coffee.
Happy Halloween everyone. Be safe!
We will probably be in bed before the first trick or treater hits our door!
Just for future reference, this is what he looks like when he actually sleeps.