Haunted by another woman’s dream

Last night I watched this documentary just before calling it a night.

I would not recommend doing that, but I would recommend watching it.

It was disturbing while being incredibly fascinating to me. It really spoke to my fears and I think the fears of all mothers.

From the moment I became a mother, the worry began. I worry that I am not doing everything that my children need. I worry that I won’t be able to care for them. What will happen to them if something happens to me?

At my lowest point, I thought that it might me better for both children if we gave them up for adoption. I am not proud of this thought or that we even considered it. I am not exaggerating when I say that things were looking pretty grim for our little family. I did not know how healthy it was for us and, more specifically me, to be raising these children.

I worried that I was doing more harm than good. I was afraid that the garbage that we were going through (lawsuit related cavalcade of laughs, subpoenas and legal fees) was going to inflict scars on my poor babies.

That night, while I was putting H to bed, I cried uncontrollably. Even after he was in his crib, I sat in his room, weeping. I realized that I would never be able to let him go. I would never be capable of explaining his bedtime routine to someone in enough detail. The thought of having to hand him over to someone else, after listing what he needed almost killed me.

He would feel my absence, my abandonment for the rest of his life. That would be the scar that would never sufficiently heal. That would be my greatest crime as a mother…my inability to face the crisis (with medical and crappy legal help) and get through it…somehow.

That night I saw what my life would be like without him, without them. And I got a glimpse of what their little lives would be like after I gave up fighting.

It was not what I wanted for any of us.

Those were hard days, but we made it. We are all still together. And we will stay that way, come what may.

No, parenting two children under 5 is not easy. It is not all unicorns and rainbows. We have our issues. We have our petty squabbles and tears.

But then I look into these little faces and I can’t imagine what I was thinking.

Now I know that if I do leave them, it will not be by my choice. They will know that I chose to stay, chose to be their mother, chose to raise them…even though it was hard.

I just hope that will be good enough.

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